Expanding Your Definition of Sex
When clients tell me, “I want to be having more sex,” I often follow up with a deceptively simple question:
“What do you mean when you say ‘sex’?”
In our patriarchal, heteronormative society, most of us grow up with a narrow idea of what sex is. We’re taught—implicitly or explicitly—that sexual intercourse is sex, and everything else is just “foreplay.” So, when someone says they want more sex, they often mean intercourse, specifically penis-in-vagina penetration.
But here’s the thing: that limited definition can do more harm than good.
Why This Narrow View Isn’t Working
When sex is only defined as intercourse, we put a disproportionate amount of pressure on the body—especially on having an erect penis or the energy to top with a strap. All other forms of sexual intimacy get downgraded, seen as less important or even as failures to reach “real sex.” This mindset can leave people feeling disconnected, anxious, or inadequate.
Let me give you two common examples:
“I went down on her, but we didn’t really have sex…”
“We undressed each other with our eyes and danced all night, but it didn’t lead to anything…”
In both of these examples, there’s an implicit hierarchy where only intercourse “counts.” But is that really fair—or helpful?
A New Definition: Sex as Connection, Not Just Penetration
While wanting more intercourse is a valid sexual goal, broadening your definition of sex comes with a host of benefits—for your body, your relationship, and your overall experience of pleasure.
Let’s break down why this shift matters:
1. Takes the Pressure Off the Penis
Many couples experience sexual anxiety, erectile difficulties, premature ejaculation, or simply the stress of “performing.” Bodies don’t operate on demand—and they shouldn’t have to. Recognizing outercourse and sensual play as legitimate forms of sex can help reduce pressure and create more satisfying experiences. I often recommend THIS ARTICLE by Dr. Chris Donaghue for further reading on this topic.
2. Centers Clitoral and Full-Body Pleasure
Vaginal penetration alone isn't the route to orgasm—or even pleasure—for most people with vulvas. Focusing on clitoral stimulation, whole-body touch, and emotional connection often leads to more satisfying encounters. Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz is a must-read on this.
3. Acknowledges Sexual Pain
Intercourse isn’t always pleasurable—for anyone. Whether it’s vaginal, penile, or other pain caused by intercourse, centering penetration as the ultimate goal can be harmful. Expanding your definition allows space for intimacy that doesn’t hurt.
4. Promotes Inclusivity and Queers the Sexual Narrative
Broadening the definition of sex helps deconstruct compulsory heteronormativity and opens the door to more inclusive sexual experiences—not just for queer folks, but also for disabled people, kinky folks, asexual individuals, and others who are often left out of mainstream sexual scripts.
5. Celebrates Connection in All Its Forms
Why should a consensual sexual experience be seen as a failure just because it didn’t end in intercourse or orgasm? If you felt good, connected, seen, dominant, humiliated—whatever feeling you were after—then that encounter was meaningful. Can tying your rope bunny be sex? You bet. Can never-ending orgasm denial with your Dom be sex? Hell yeah. Can wearing your girlfriend’s fishnets around the house be sex? Completely.
You have the power to create your own sexual script, that doesn’t have to have a clear beginning and end. And it doesn’t have to exist just to check some boxes.
So the next time you say you want “more sex,” take a moment to reflect: Are you really craving more intercourse? Or are you craving more intimacy, connection, exploration, and pleasure?
The more inclusive and expansive our definition of sex becomes, the richer and more fulfilling our sexual lives can be.
