The Bridge Activity: How to “Get in the Mood”
As a sex therapist, I’m one of many fans of the literature on responsive vs. spontaneous desire. While made quite popular in mainstream culture by Emily Nagoski’s book “Come As You Are”, this idea originates from Rosemary Basson’s work. Essentially, for those of us that experience sexual desire, the idea is that desire comes in the form of either spontaneous desire or responsive desire. While this article will discuss techniques for those navigating responsive desire, let’s just start with a quick run-down of these desire types to make sure we’re on the same page.
Spontaneous desire is the type that seems to manifest out of thin air. There may be no clear cause or stimulus cueing the desire, such as a romantic date night or a relaxing couples massage. Feelings of desire, lust, and arousal can just arrive suddenly, often with ease. As it’s more common for cis-men to experience spontaneous desire, this has become the kind of desire that’s idealized by mainstream society. However, responsive desire is an equally valid way to experience desire.
Responsive desire can take a bit more work. Someone with responsive desire may not find themselves interested in sex until external sexual cues are right in front of them or they cue themselves into experiencing their own sensuality. This might mean not feeling arousal until one’s body is being touched, until you’ve taken a bath and cuddled on the couch for an hour, or until you’re three chapters deep into your favorite spicy novel. Responsive desire is a completely normal and valid way of experiencing sexual interest, and it's how many people relate to sex. Still, it’s common for those with responsive desire to feel uncertain or frustrated about how to get in the mood.
Enter: the bridge activity. If you want to teach yourself how to work with your responsive desire, a bridge activity is something that has the potential to help. So, what is a bridge activity?
A bridge activity is anything that helps bridge the gap between day to day life and sex, so that you land in a space where you’re open to connection and sexual intimacy.
What your specific bridge activity consists of will be determined by both how you’re feeling, and how you’d like to feel going into a sexual encounter (with yourself or others). For example, say you’ve just had a long, stressful day at work but you’ve got a hot date tonight and want to prioritize exploring sex together. You may be feeling overwhelmed, but would like to feel confident. Your bridge activity in this case will consist of whatever helps you release the stress and tension of the day, plus whatever helps you access positive and sexual feelings.
In other terms, your goal is to turn the volume down on your sexual brakes and access your sexual accelerators.
Let’s look at some potential examples:
Utilize a warm shower to decompress from the day (release brakes), and utilize a scented body oil afterwards for a sensual self or partner massage (access accelerator).
Practice a body scan to get present (release brakes), and imagine breathing into erogenous zones as you lie there (access accelerator).
Do a brief restorative yoga practice for relaxation (release brakes), and stretch to open up the hips and find freedom in the body (access accelerator).
Take a walk to find ease (release brakes), and listen to music that lends you feelings of confidence and sexiness as you strut around (access accelerator).
Mindfully cook dinner focusing on the present moment (release brakes), and dance with yourself or partner in the kitchen to access a sense of playfulness (accelerator).
Cuddle up in bed to feel a sense of safety and coziness (release brakes), and read some erotica (access accelerator).
Any and all of these can be practiced solo or with a partner! A theme I see in clients that have success in this, is how their bridge activities help them access a more regulated space where they’re able to be present in their body.
These blog posts are for educational purposes only and are not to be considered therapeutic advice or a replacement for sex therapy under the guidance of a licensed professional. However, if you give the bridge activity a try, I hope you find pleasure!
