Stages of Relationships: The Power Struggle Phase
In longterm relationships, closeness in the couples system ebbs and flows.
I find myself saying that quite a bit in my sessions, especially with couples that have been together between 1-5 years. This time in relationships is often referred to as the “power struggle” phase, where couples attempt to figure out their roles in the relationship, navigate differences and boundaries, come to understand each other on a deeper level, and sometimes learn of deal-breakers that lead to a relationship’s end.
From what I’ve noticed in my work as a couples therapist is that the power struggle phase can often come with a sense of panic. After all, this phase comes directly after the couple’s “honeymoon" phase- and this can feel like a stark contrast! Maybe in the beginning, the rose colored glasses were strong, leaving you with overflowing positive feelings towards your partner. But now, you’ve seen their annoying habits, you’ve learned what it feels like to be triggered by them, and maybe aren’t satisfied with how you navigate conflict together. If one or both of you carry family of origin trauma or haven’t had many models for healthy relationships, overcoming the power struggle phase can often feel insurmountable.
This stage in relationships involves some work. It’s the stage where you get to figure out how to work as a team, get curious about the other person’s triggers, and ultimately begin to craft the foundation for the relationship you want to experience going forward.
Just as much as it isn’t sustainable to live in the honeymoon phase forever, going without sleep and daydreaming of your partner all throughout your work day, the power struggle phase shouldn’t be forever either. Every couple has recurring patterns of conflict that are woven throughout their history together, but if you’re finding that the power struggle phase is taking its toll, it may be time for couples and/or individual therapy.
If you’re ready to take that next step in conquering the power struggle in your relationship, here are some goals you may consider navigating in therapy:
Working through your individual attachment styles, with the goal of understanding how past wounds show up in the relationship.
Understanding your cycle of conflict and learning to fight in a way that feels caring for both of you.
Crafting new cycles of relating and interacting that honor your values as a couple, instead of mimicking old wounds or patterns from past relationships.
