Defining Sex

Many come to sex therapy hoping to have better sex, which often means they’re dissatisfied with the quality and/or quantity of sex that they’re having. However, when looking at this sexual complaint, it can be important to define what “sex” even is- and perhaps expand that definition! For many cis-het couples, they’re talking about sexual intercourse and can often get caught up in that definition of sex being the only one that “counts” as having sex. Queer couples get caught in this trap, too! The societal focus on penetration, whether with a penis or a strap, is something that I imagine is largely a result of our patriarchal society, which has created a male-centric and ableist definition of sex.

There’s nothing wrong with liking (or loving!) penetrative sex. So how do you know when if it’s time to shed this definition and allow sex to be more expansive? It might be time if/when you find this definition of sex limiting your success. Do you have penetrative sex once in a blue moon but tell yourself going down on your partner “doesn’t count”? Do you encounter sexual pain and avoid intercourse yet feel guilty for loving a sensual massage, dry humping, and making out? What about if you’re post-surgery for prostate cancer and can no longer maintain an erection, but you’re telling yourself that sexting with your partner isn’t enough? ALL of this is sex if you allow it to be and ALL of these expressions are just as valid as penetration.

If this blog post is bringing up a lot for you, it may be helpful to reach out to a sex therapist to process your thoughts and feelings. Please know that these blog posts are meant for entertainment and educational purposes only and are not a substitute for therapeutic work.